IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Homecoming row ruins chances of Ireland hosting Olympics
Monday, 13 August
The unseemly row over whether Ireland’s Olympians should have a welcome home party could ruin any chance of Ireland hosting the Olympics.
“Our plan to use next year’s global Irish gathering as a springboard to hosting the Olympics has been ruined by this unseemly row,” a Government spokesman said.
Perhaps surprisingly, it is understood that the government’s plan to host the Olympics was at an advanced stage. “We were already removing toilets and wash basins from all our training facilities, such is our determination to have more Irish athletes match Katie Taylor’s achievements,” the spokesman said.
GAA considering RTÉ request to make games more ‘interesting’
Tuesday, 14 August
The GAA is considering a request from RTÉ to make its games more interesting for presenters returning from the Olympics.
All of the psychologists working in RTÉ have found it impossible to get staff who were at London 2012 to take an interest in hurling or football.
“The only time they showed a flicker of interest was when we showed them images of hurlers in beach volleyball bikinis” a psychologist said.
“We’re in talks with our suppliers,” a GAA source admitted. “They’ve run off a few samples for the Tipperary and Kilkenny hurlers. The GAA is always open to new ideas, once they don’t lead to vajazzling. Congress will never condone vajazzling.”
Leaving Cert mahts suckses bodes well for Englihs
Wednesday, 15 August
The Department of Education has welcomed the dramatic fall in numbers failing maths in the Leaving Certificate.
This year, students were examined on some elements of the new Project Maths course, which has been criticised for “dumbing down’”.
“We’re deligted with the fact that a wrekord number of peeple took hier mahts and only 256 fayled,” a Department of Education spokesman said.
“Hopefully Projekt Englihs will be as sucksesfool.”
Mars rover limits Curiosity due to anti-social behaviour
Thursday, 16 August
NASA has threatened to stop its Curiosity rover going into certain Mars areas at night due to anti-social behaviour.
“We have experienced incidents of Martians throwing stones and bottles and even mooning at the rover,” a NASA spokesman said. “At first they appear friendly but it soon turns out to be a trap.”
The NASA spokesman said it was unlikely that this was a Martian way of welcoming them to the planet.
“We don’t think so,” he said. “Throwing stones at authority figures is a universal language.”
Delays expected as local authorities undo road works
Friday, 17 August
Road users face delays in all parts of the country today as local authorities undo road works to deal with non payment of the household charge.
Speed bumps, road signs, roundabouts and traffic lights will all be removed by cash strapped county councils.
“We apologise for any inconvenience caused while we carry out this essential work,” a spokesman for the local authorities said.
All materials will be stored in the premises previously used to house the Government’s e-voting machines.