IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
New RTÉ current affairs show reveals country still in shite
Monday, 28 January
A new RTÉ current affairs show has this morning revealed that the country is still in utter shite.
“Are you watching that Morning Edition?” a caller to The Mire asked. “The country is still in utter shite. I knew it.”
“Ministers build hospitals in their back gardens and James Reilly is still Health Minister,” the caller said. “Stop what you are doing right now, get to an airport. Emigrate,” he added. “Either that or go back to bed.”
More hospital upgrades to be announced after Cabinet meets
Tuesday, 29 January
Several more hospital upgrades are expected to be announced this evening without the knowledge of the HSE.
They are expected to be announced after Health Minister Dr James Reilly faces tough questions from Cabinet colleagues on upgrades to Wexford and Kilkenny hospitals.
These hospitals are in the constituencies of Ministers Brendan Howlin and Phil Hogan.
“I intend to ask Reilly some very tough questions,” a senior Cabinet colleague said.
“I’ll be asking him where the hell is my hospital upgrade and I expect to like the answer.”
Drinkers astonished Daly could drive after ‘house’ measure
Wednesday, 30 January
Experienced house drinkers are at a loss to explain how Clare Daly was able to drive after a “house measure” of whiskey.
“A house measure! She drank a house measure! How did she drag herself off the floor and into a car?” a reformed house measure drinker asked.
“I had a house measure once and ended up in the navy,” a broken man said.
“House measures are killing the pub industry,” a Healy-Rae said.
Ms Daly, the Independent TD for Dublin North, said she drank a house measure of hot whiskey before being stopped, breathalysed and brought to Kilmainham Garda Station on Monday night.
Irish phrases that could confuse visitors for The Gathering
Thursday, 31 January
The Mire has compiled a short list of Irish words and phrases that could confuse visitors for The Gathering.
Guaranteed Irish = could be from anywhere, probably not Irish.
Beef = could be from anywhere, probably not beef.
We won’t pay = we will pay (particularly when said by a Government Minister about promissory notes).
Health Service Executive = people that would sicken you.
Céad míle fáilte = show me the money.
Disoriented man could be any senior member of government
Friday, 1st February
A disoriented man found walking around Leinster House in a dishevelled state could be any senior member of the Government.
Gardaí said the man didn’t know what he had been doing for the last couple of years.
“He has the word clown on his forehead,” a garda source said. “It could be a birthmark.”