IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Poor praised for ability to become poorer
Monday, 16 July
The Government today congratulated poor people on their ability to get poorer.
A report by Social Justice Ireland revealed that the incomes of the poorest fell by 18 per cent in the last year while incomes of the richest rose by 4 per cent.
“The poor are setting an example for us all,” a Government spokesman said. “They’re a role model. A cheaply dressed, poorly fed, soon to be homeless, role model.”
Athletes to get medals for finding Olympic venues
Tuesday, 17 July
Athletes due to participate in the London Olympics could receive medals for turning up at their events.
The controversial plan emerged after it was feared that most of the athletes due to take part in the games are lost in London.
!We’re looking at alternatives,” an Olympics official said. “There’s no point in hosting a 100m final if only two athletes turn up and they’re both knackered.”
Unicorns will need culling before stimulus plan is implemented
Wednesday, 18 July
There will be an urgent need to cull the country’s unicorn population before the Government’s €2.25 billion stimulus package is fully implemented.
The stimulus package is expected to generate some 13,000 construction jobs.
However, experts believe the country will be overrun with unicorns before the package is implemented.
“Large numbers of unicorns are a menace to the community,” an expert said. “We have none at the moment but that’s no guarantee we won’t be overrun before these jobs materialise.”
Teachers could be paid to means test children at school
Thursday, 19 July
Teachers unions have said their members could means test children when they return to school in September.
The plan emerged after the IMF noticed that some Irish children do not appear to be suffering enough from austerity.
“Our members will means test them for a small fee,! a teachers representative said. “Many teachers already do this on an informal basis.”
“There was no mention of shaking down children at school in the Programme for Government,” a Fianna Fáil spokesman said angrily.
However, the Government dismissed his objections. “We inherited these children from your administration and have been left to make the tough decisions,” a spokesman said.
Sick pay reform to boost construction industry
Friday, 20 July
Plans to halve the number of sick days allocated to public servants will create hundreds of jobs in the construction industry.
“Many of these people never had offices as they went sick before they started work,” a senior public servant explained.
He said savings on sick pay will cover some of the cost of new offices.
“Meanwhile, people who were on sick leave can take gardening leave until their offices are ready,” he added.
“We’re advertising for workers in pubs in Australia,” the Construction Industry Federation said. “Hopefully they haven’t all been barred from the pubs.”