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Dublin: 3 °C Monday 24 November, 2014

Reillyland declared not in recession: The week’s news skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Irish getting better at racism, taking bankers to a long lunch, loving Anglo.

Sorted, lads.
Sorted, lads.
Image: Niall Carson/PA Wire/file

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Reillyland could exit bailout on back of healthcare-led boom

Monday, 24 June

Health Minister Dr James Reilly’s north Dublin heartland is expected to exit the EU-IMF bailout ahead of the rest of the country as it experiences a healthcare-led boom.

It was revealed today that money from a funding boost for autism services announced by Dr Reilly last year has been spent on cutting waiting lists for children with the condition in north Dublin.

“The provision of this excellent service together with the previously announced primary care centre in Balbriggan is fuelling a boom in north Dublin,” an economist said.

“This in turn is leading to a boom in property prices as people choose to relocate there to benefit from the excellent healthcare available.”

Finance Department prepared to appeal to better nature of bankers

Tuesday, 25 June

The Department of Finance is to appeal to the better nature of bankers to ensure that nothing like the Anglo tapes scandal ever happens again.

“Obviously we will have a robust and thorough inquiry to see if we can uncover any lying, self-serving, treacherous or criminal behaviour by bankers,” a Department of Finance spokesman said.

“But that is not enough. The public are sick and tired of inquiries,” he added.

“They want to know that we will go that extra mile. That we will unflinchingly look bankers in the eye over a long lunch and appeal to their better nature.”

Irish getting better at racism

Wednesday, 26 June

A survey on Irish attitudes to immigrants has found that hard work and a commitment to ignorance has led to a significant increase in racism here.

In 2002 only 6 per cent of Irish nationals said no immigrants from poor non-EU countries should be allowed into the country, while in 2010 22 per cent expressed the same views.

“We’re over the moon with that result,” a racist said.

“Our hard work and commitment to ignorance has paid off.”

New codes outlines how borrowers must treat lenders

Thursday, 27 June

A new code of conduct on mortgage arrears published today outlines how borrowers should treat their lenders in the run up to repossession.

The code calls for borrowers to

• Cooperate – no matter what that entails.

• Avoid eye contact with lenders.

• Smile as though they like it.

• Generously accommodate lenders on unsolicited visits.

• Accept full responsibility for the behaviour of Anglo Irish Bank, all other banks and the Government.

• Bow obsequiously when leaving the home they have surrendered.

“Cooperation will help to streamline the process of rendering a borrower homeless, a debt serf or a suicide statistic,” a  Central Bank spokesman explained.

Stoic media puts on a brave face as Mandela’s condition stabilises

Friday, 28 June

Exhausted journalists have continued to maintain their selfless vigil outside the hospital where Nelson Mandela is in a stable but critical condition.

“It’s been very trying just waiting and waiting and waiting,” a journalist admitted.

“I mean it’s been nearly three weeks, that’s tough going by any standards.”

“But we’re professionals. “We’ll put a brave face on it,” he added stoically.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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