IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Government warns of unscrupulous Cash for Water Meters outlets
Monday, 16 April
The Government has issued a warning about the Cash for Water Meters outlets springing up in towns around the country.
“These unscrupulous operators are preying on the public,” a spokesman said. “Your water meter is essential, don’t be tempted to sell it.”
A Cash for Water Meters operator said they would accept water meters in any condition. “We’ll pay top prices,” he said. However, he warned that no one would receive €780, the sum the government say the water meters cost. “Yeah, right,” he said. “They’re a bit unscrupulous themselves.”
Four stages to introduction of water meters
Tuesday, 17 April
The Government has said there will be a four stage system to the introduction of water meters.
Stage One: the householder buys a water meter.
Stage Two: the householder pays the Government to install and waterproof the water meter.
Stage Three: the householder prays for water while cursing the rain.
Stage Four: the Government pays to store water meters that don’t meter water with e-voting machines.
HSE lacks resources for continued incompetence
Wednesday, 18 April
HSE officials have revealed to The Mire that the health service cannot get any worse without further investment. They have called an emergency meeting of the board of the HSE to discuss the incompetence crisis.
“We have done the worst that we can to the best of our ability,” a senior administrator said. “Some of us are so tired and demoralised that we’re starting to work effectively,” he added.
Country can’t fornicate its way out of recession
Thursday, 19 April
A Government plan for the country to fornicate its way out of recession has been shot down by the ECB.
“Hah. You’ll drink too much and forget to fornicate. Crazy Irish,” an ECB official said.
Fine Gael, not usually known for this sort of thing, had fancied fornication as a means of growing the economy. However, an opposition spokesman said the fornication proposition was never realistic.
“All of our best fornicators have emigrated,” the spokesman said. “They are fornicating in foreign fields.”
Top 3 causes of unwanted pregnancies revealed
Friday, 20 April
Contrary to yesterday’s statement by Fine Gael TD Michelle Mulherin, The Mire can reveal that
fornication is not even in the top three causes of unwanted pregnancies.
The Top Three are:
- Swallowing red lemonade
- One Direction posters
- Mr Burgess from The Snapper