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Huge bomb blamed on Continuity Irish Dancers
Monday, 30 April
Security experts believe the huge viable bomb found near Newry last Friday was the work of Continuity Irish Dancers.
“The Continuity Irish Dancers are stepping up their campaign to be the Number 1 Irish dancing dissident group,” an expert said.
Rival group the Real Irish Dancers did not have the resources for a 250kg bomb, the expert explained.
The two groups formed after a split in the national Irish dancing movement over the number of ringlets in an Irish dancing wig.
“The greater the number of ringlets, the greater potential for violence,” the security expert warned.
Prisoners threatened with freedom
Tuesday, 1 May
There were calls for Amnesty International to intervene after the Government threatened thousands of prisoners with freedom. The cruel move would see the helpless inmates cast out and forced to live in austerity Ireland.
“These people are simply not equipped to deal with the hardship of life on the outside,” a human rights campaigner said.
“There’s household charges, social charges, water charges, you couldn’t survive no matter how well crime paid,” a prisoner barricaded in his cell said.
An Taisce concerned about 12 million bungalows in Athlone
Wednesday, May 2
An Taisce has expressed concern about the sustainability of 12 million bungalows in Athlone. An Bord Pleanála has approved the building of the bungalows as the first phase of an enormous Chinese trading hub.
“Do we need more bungalows? Do the Chinese need bungalows?” an An Taisce spokesman asked.
A developer of the Euro Chinese Trading Hub insisted these were not just any bungalows. “They’re dormer bungalows,” he explained. “Everyone loves dormer bungalows.”
Michael Noonan strips Miss Ireland of crown
Wednesday, May 2
Finance Minister Michael Noonan has cruelly stripped Miss Ireland of her crown as a warning to all to vote Yes in the Fiscal Compact Treaty Referendum.
“You won’t get to win Miss Ireland without the EU,” Mr Noonan, wearing a fetching tiara, said.
“No one’s going to win All-Ireland titles or become scratch card millionaires without the ECB. You won’t even win the Tidy Towns,” Mr Noonan insisted.
Brady could receive ‘Freedom of Dáil’ for not resigning
Thursday, May 3
Cardinal Seán Brady could be in line to receive the Freedom of the Dáil for his courage and conviction in the face of reason.
The coveted honour is given to those who recognise that there is no such thing as a resigning issue.
“It is usually awarded to politicians but Cardinal Brady has shown resilience, fortitude, courage and conviction in the face of reason, decency and integrity,” a TD said.
Sources close to the Cardinal said he was too meek, humble and diffident to comment.
Paddy’s Day trip to Temple Bar put Al-Qaeda off converting Irish
Friday, May 4
A boozy session in Temple Bar on St Patrick’s Day caused Al-Qaeda to reconsider plans to convert the Irish to Islam.
Senior figures in the organisation became concerned that the Irish would turn Ramadan into a binge drinking festival.
“St Patrick’s Day was great craic,” an Al-Qaeda source said. “But it’s not really the direction we’re going in.
“Not getting the hang of Christianity after 2000 years was also an issue,” he added.