1. You have to clear the house before you start, so it’s fine to eat EVERYTHING the night beforehand
2. Be prepared for whatever you’ve given up to haunt you by appearing all over the place
Basically, this is you in a world of chocolate:
And this is what you see when you close your eyes
3. Your chocolate money goes in here
And because you never put anything except coppers in it, by the end of the month it will be bulging and you’ll have to fix the bottom with Sellotape.
4. Your mother may use Lent to try and get you to do chores
5. You can cheat on Sundays, and that’s official
Paddy’s Day also counts because it’s a bank holiday. Like a Sunday, see?
6. If you make it to two weeks, that’s Very Well Done
And it’s probably OK to relapse a little
7. If anyone gives you sweets/chocolates/other forbidden pleasures during Lent, you have to put them away in a jar or biscuit tin
Which will then torment you by sitting in plain view on top of the fridge
8. At a certain point you will crack under the unbearable pressure, and sneak the middle bits out of an early Easter egg that someone has given you
Then wrap it all up again to hide the evidence.
Before retreating to your lair (aka under your bed/in the hot press/locked in the bathroom) to eat it.
9. When Easter morning finally arrives, there will be blood
GODSPEED, FELLOW LENTENERS. May the chocolate be with you.