1. Mr Office Jargon
I’ve got an idea. Before we take a holistic approach to get all our ducks in a row, let’s engage with a paradigm shift where you shut your cakehole.
2. Ms Lunch Judger
“Are you having a burrito for lunch again? That’s AMAZING – I just couldn’t. I feel so unhealthy if I have carbs at lunch.”
SHUT UP AND LET ME WALLOW IN OILY BREAD PRODUCTS.
3. Mr All Action
“Let me just bang out this memo and we’ll punch up some numbers/kick some ideas around/batter this project to a bloody pulp.” JUST CALM DOWN, IT’S ONLY WORK.
4. Ms You Look Tired
Delivered in a dulcet tone of concern. Has the effect of making you feel bad about yourself, your physical appearance, and your life choices. Presumably this is intentional.
5. Mr Same Joke Every Damn Time
You meet him in the corridor/by the water cooler/at the next urinal. He has one special joke that he uses for you, and he never misses an opportunity. You feel obliged to laugh politely even though you had the exact interaction yesterday.
6. Ms All Baby All Day All Night
Oh, your child recently gnawed her first cot bar? Delightful.
7. Mr Overeager McLick
“I was just doing my 6am spinning class at the gym this morning, and I was thinking maybe we should set up a few breakfast meetings before the workday gets going?”
STOP. You’re making us all look bad.
8. Ms Can’t Work My Computer
“But if I turn it off and on again, won’t that damage it?” Also see: constant requests for help printing, total breakdown when called upon to type a euro sign.
9. Mr ‘I Can’t Believe’
“I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already! Oh my God, can you believe it’s September already? I can’t believe how this year has flown by!”
For some reason, there is one of these in every office. Hey man, time passes. It’s OK.
10. Ms Personal Phone Calls
You know so many details about this person’s personal existence, you could be their life coach. In fact, they might already have asked you to be if they hadn’t been so busy discussing the fact that Darren is RAGING with Aisling over what she did in McGrattans last Friday.
11. And finally, Mr Loud Eater
OK, this isn’t strictly talking. But it IS noise and it may well be happening 12-24 inches from your ear as you read this.
DON’T THEY REALISE? I’M WORKING HERE!
