SO TODAY IS Cyber Monday.
Contrary to what you might think, it does NOT commemorate the day the robots exterminated all human civilisation, save for a rag-rag band of rebels living beneath the Hill of Tara.
Instead, it marks the busiest online shopping day of the year. So in its honour, we’ve compiled a list of the products we should all be thankful to the internet for.
Behold! 9 gift ideas you just wouldn’t find offline:
1. This set of two-person underwear
“Includes four legs and two rears.” For those people in your life who want their groin locked to someone else’s, while still preserving their modesty.
2. This soy-wax candle in the shape of a pecan pie
“If you like pecan pie, you’ll LOVE this soy-wax candle in a cheap silver takeaway tray. Even though it doesn’t look like pecan pie.”
3. This device that makes your bicycle trot like a horse
Because it’s THERE, that’s why.
4. This one-litre can of wolf urine
For when half a litre just isn’t enough.
5. These bacon-flavoured mints
For when you want to freshen your breath… with bacon.
“Mmm, is that bacon on your breath?” *leans in for a kiss*
6. This soap in the shape of an XBox controller (and scented like Mountain Dew)
From the description: “My soap is not only decorative, but functional as well. It makes guests squint at your bathroom counter and complements a gamer lifestyle.”
Perhaps you could buy XBox-shaped soap in a regular store. But only on the internet would it also be Mountain Dew-scented.
7. These rhinestone-studded underpants for your feet
Technically known as “footUndeez”. According to the website, they are “also available in child sizes”.
8. These drinkable urine samples
Sweet liquid, made to look like a urine sample.
It comes in a “sour” flavour.
Meet you under the Christmas tree.
9. This guaranteed place in heaven
Comes with reservation certificate, ID card, and “informational guide” to help you navigate your way there.
Also offers “100% money back guarantee if your reservation is not accepted”.