IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Rosanna’s breasts beyond comfort as Irish favour the royal boob
Monday, 17 September
Rosanna Davison’s breasts are said to be beyond comfort after the entire country spent the weekend looking at pictures of Kate Middleton topless.
A source close to the former Miss World’s breasts said they have been downcast and unresponsive since the Irish Daily Star chose to publish photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge’s breasts.
“She posed topless in Playboy and everyone’s talking about Kate who didn’t even pose,” the source said.
“That was an invasion of her privacy. The Irish Daily Star should be closed down,” Ms Davison’s breasts allegedly said.
The newspaper’s decision to publish the photographs of Ms Middleton’s foreign breasts was condemned as unpatriotic and unhelpful in the build-up to The Gathering 2013 by the Department of Tourism.
The issue was expected to be raised at the Sinn Féin and Fianna Fáil think-ins this week.
Emphasis on comedy as Dáil reveals autumn schedule
Tuesday, 18 September
The Dáil returns this morning with an autumn schedule that has something for everyone who likes a laugh.
The first item on the schedule will set the tone for a season of slapstick as Fianna Fáil and Sinn Féin put forward a no confidence motion in Health Minister James Reilly.
“It’s a farce obviously,” a TD said. “Who in their right mind would have confidence in any of us?”
Tragedy and drama will also feature strongly with the Budget a major feature but deputies are determined to find humour in it.
“You have to laugh,” the TD said. “Why are you crying?”
Senior civil servants ‘Howlin’ with laughter
Wednesday, 19 September
Senior civil servants may not be able to work for some time as they can’t stop laughing at their success in thwarting Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Brendan Howlin.
“They’re not in a fit state to work,” The Mire’s medical expert said. “They keep collapsing in fits of giggles and spilling their champagne.”
Mr Howlin yesterday admitted he would only achieve €3.5 million of the €75 million in cuts to public service allowances due this year.
“Remember when he came swaggering into the department… how tough he thought he was,” a senior civil servant said. “How we laughed.”
Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Taoiseach Enda Kenny will meet the Pope on Saturday and ask him to pray for the coalition government to be taken seriously.
Man found alive in Dublin apartment
Thursday, 20 September
Gardaí have appealed for witnesses after a man was found alive in an apartment in Dublin.
“He was eating toast, sipping tea, listening to the radio, as though he didn’t have a care in the world,” a garda spokesman said. “We don’t know what to make of it.”
The spokesman appealed for witnesses to come forward if they have any information.
Reilly joins comedy elite on winning Dáil Confidence Vote
Friday, 20 September
Health Minister Dr James Reilly won a Dáil Confidence Vote last night becoming one of a select group of Irish comedians to achieve the honour.
“I’m honoured that so many of my fellow comedians enjoy my routine,” he said.
“It is a difficult act to maintain.”
A Dáil Confidence Vote is one of the most sought after awards on the international comedy circuit.
Despite their renown, it has eluded such greats as Dave Allen, Tommy Tiernan and Dylan Moran.