THIS WEEK, A new ad for Chanel No5 was released, starring Brad Pitt.
“The world turns and we turn with it,” he intones solemnly. “My luck, my faith, my fortune. Chanel No5… INEVITABLE.”
Along with the rest of the world, the Daily Edge is wondering why a man who has enough spare cash floating around to build his own sex grotto would bother with this tripe.
But he’s hardly alone. Presenting… the worst celebrity product endorsements of all time.
1. David and Victoria Beckham – TBC Cosmetics
Presenting: one of the world’s wealthiest and most powerful celebrity couples, ‘acting’ in a parody of Bewitched.
And that’s before Victoria starts shouting in Japanese. Also, as IF she has ever whisked anything in her life.
2. Mr T – FlavorWave mini-cookers
“These are all frozen solid! I pity the fool who tries to get these down!”
We pity the fool who endorses a mini-cooker.
3. Bono – Louis Vuitton
“Bono went to Africa for famine relief in 1985. Now he’s going back… and this time, he’s endorsing a brand of luxury luggage.” GOD, SPARE US.
4. Farrah Fawcett – Noxema
The late lamented sex symbol sets a new celebrity rule: Do not talk about ‘great balls’ in ads. Especially not while shimmying.
5. David McWilliams – Bulmers Cider
The moment Ireland realised the enormity of our self-delusion: not only had we conned ourselves into a huge property boom, but we had allowed celebrity economists to run amok.
6. Mikhail Gorbachev – Pizza Hut
Mikhail! We already liked you plenty for ending the Cold War! You don’t need to prove yourself any more!
7. Paris Hilton – Carl’s Jr Burgers
Is that a giant hose spewing foam between your legs, or are you just endorsing some fast food?
8. Hulk Hogan – Road Safety PSA
‘When I’m in the ring, I yield to nobody! But when I’m on the road, I always yield to an emergency vehicle with its lights flashing!” Hey, Hulk, don’t you have a sex tape to be filming instead?
9. Shane Warne – Advanced Hair Studio
Only a mildly terrible ad, except for the bit which shows cricketer Shane inside SOME KIND OF GIANT CONTRAPTION WITH LASERS SHOOTING AT HIS HEAD.
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger – We Don’t Even Know What This Product Is
… but it basically turns him into a Power Ranger. Remember when people seriously talked about him running for president? Of America?
11. Bertie Ahern – Irish News of the World
We know, you’ve seen it already. But seriously – is this the world’s only former head of state to appear inside a kitchen fitting for personal profit? Do we, as a nation, have any shred of self-respect remaining? If we do, can Bertie still take it away?
Please let us keep our shred, Bertie. It’s our only shred. We like it.