1. Pretending to look at expensive bottles of wine when you know full well that you’re not spending more than €6 on a bottle of wine.
2. When the waiter asks you if you’d like to taste the wine and you knock it back in one and say, “That’s grand”
3. When you say you like wine and your friends are like, “Ooh, my favourite wine is Malbec, I love a good Malbec” and you’re like…
“My favourite wine is… white? Yeah, white wine. Any white wine.”
4. Asking for a knife and fork because you have yet to master the art of using chopsticks
5. When people around you are discussing The Wire (again) and you’re like, “Yes, yes, but did you see last week’s First Dates?”
“No, I haven’t seen Boardwalk Empire, but I have seen Gogglebox. Wait, come back –”
6. When the person in front of you orders a skinny matcha latte with almond milk and unicorn blood, and you’re like, “Em, a cappuccino to go… with two sugars”
7. When you eat dark chocolate and you make this face…
8. When you’re at a gig and everyone around is you nodding like, “Yes, this is transcendent” and you’re like, “Em, I’m pretty sure this is just noise?”
9. Laughing at an inappropriate sign and thinking, “Oh God, I’m not cultured at all.”
“Yes, Brian, the pub is called Dirty Dick’s. It’s probably owned by a man named Richard. It’s not that funny.”
*snigger*
10. Being, oh, 28 years old and still only *just about* being able to eat spaghetti
There will be splatter. And you will have to dangle a long spaghetti into your mouth at some point. It won’t be elegant, but sure look.
11. Accidentally getting drunk on the work Christmas night out… before you’ve even had food
Yep, you’re that guy.
12. Picking food up off the floor, glancing around to make sure nobody’s around and eating it anyway
Stay classy, friend.
