IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Government concern that giving shamrock suggests threesomes
Monday, 25 March
The Government is to review the practice of giving bowls of shamrock to US presidents in case the recipients think they are being asked to join a threesome.
“The shamrock’s three leaves are very suggestive when you think of it,” a source close to Taoiseach Enda Kenny said.
“We wondered why Barack Obama was so frisky after Enda presented him with the shamrock last week. He was all hands.”
“Obviously Enda wouldn’t want to offend Mr Obama but he wouldn’t want to get involved in any threesomes either,” he added. “He’s not that type of Taoiseach.”
Council staff who tried to work suspended without pay
Tuesday, 26 March
Three Cork County Council road repair staff have been suspended without pay after they decided to work on their own initiative.
The three allegedly repaired a pothole without a thought for the consequences.
“Other council staff could have seen them and could have suffered a stroke,” a Health and Safety officer said.
“You can’t just have people working on their own initiative,” he added. “It could lead to all sorts of social ills, like productivity.”
Snow falling in threesomes causes traffic chaos
Wednesday, 27 March
Snowflakes falling in threesomes have added to the traffic chaos caused by the unseasonable weather.
Some motorists have been forced to close their eyes to avoid seeing the overtly sexual snowflakes.
“Unfortunately this has led to an increase in snow-related accidents on the N4,” a garda said. “Few Irish drivers can manage snow conditions even with their eyes open.”
Mayo TD Michelle Mulherin said the snowflakes were provocative and inappropriate. “I will be taking this up with Met Éireann,” she said.
“We don’t have any snow. No threesomes either,” a Sligoman said bitterly.
Uzis could have prevented EU-IMF bailout
Thursday, 28 March
The EU-IMF bailout of the Irish economy might never have happened if the population here had access to Uzi submachine guns.
“We could have fought them off,” an off-duty garda who only has a pistol said.
“But they’re not afraid of this pistol,” he added. “They laugh at it.”
A celebrity economist appeared to agree with the garda.
“Uzis could also have been used to discourage bankers, estate agents, politicians… even celebrity economists from screwing with the economy,” he said.
“You can never have enough Uzis,” a teacher said.
All gardaí to be microchipped under new legislation
Friday, 29 March
Legislation requiring all gardaí to be microchipped is to be introduced by Justice Minister Alan Shatter.
It is hoped that microchipping will make it easier to identify rogue gardaí who wilfully exercise democratic freedoms.
“We’ve had gardaí taking a stand and acting on principle. It can’t go on,” Mr Shatter said.
Legislation is also planned to microchip working mothers who don’t earn enough to pay childcare costs.
“We’ll try and keep the cost low for them,” a Government spokesman said.
Suggestions that dogs could also be microchipped, however, are likely to meet with strong opposition.