AS ANYONE WHO has ever lain awake next to a snorer can tell you, the noises people make at night can be extraordinary.
But it can grow a little boring listening to someone make lorry-with-a-broken-clutch noises while you count the grey hours ’til dawn.
So tonight when your partner/child/parents are splitting the walls with the noise of their nasal passages, ask yourself this: What kind of snore am I hearing?
Odds on it’s one of these five, as demonstrated by animals:
1. The Wheeze
Characteristics: High, whining sound not unlike a kitten being slowly put to death. (We imagine.) Starts and stops; changes pitches frequently and unexpectedly.
Animal demonstrator: This duck
Wait for the moment when he wakes up around 40s. (YouTube/Jason Lim)
2. The Roar
Characteristics: Sounds like someone dragging heavy furniture around in the next room, forever. Stops to lull you into a false sense of security, then restarts just as you’re dropping off to sleep.
Animal demonstrator: This pig
YouTube/contemporarynomad
3. The Snuffle
Characteristics: Sounds like someone trying to simultaneously sleep and eat the bedclothes, which is essentially what it is. Often accompanied by sleep talking which causes you to say “What?”, thus beginning an endless cycle of confusion and annoyance that has ended marriages.
Animal demonstrator: This dormouse
YouTube/thamesditton46
4. The Barely Audible
Characteristics: Hovers unobtrusively on the edge of your hearing range. This one is not a problem EXCEPT if you’re already having awake, unable to sleep and are bitterly resenting the other person for enjoying their rest, in which case it is THE MOST INFURIATING.
Animal demonstrator: This cat
YouTube/MaryCummins
5. The Daffy Duck
Characteristics: A regular snuffle/roar with one key difference: on exhaling, the snorer wobbles their cheeks to make a sound like someone blowing bubbles underwater. Or, like Daffy Duck. The only mitigating factor is that it’s hilarious.
Animal demonstrator: This dog
This dog is the best snorer ever. YouTube/TheTamtung
Are there any we’ve missed? Let us know in the comments…
Goodnight everyone, here are puppies, cats, piglets and sloths in PJs>
Are there some things you are never too old for?>
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