TONIGHT, ALMOST THE entire country will admit defeat and take to their couches in the recovery position as the excess of Christmas reaches its end.
The nation is wrecked, bloated and frankly doesn’t have any fun left in it, so it’s only right that you remain in the comfort of your own home this Friday night. Sure, it doesn’t even feel like a Friday!
We’re all in the same boat, and as a result, here are 9 statements you’ll probably utter over the course of this evening.
Thank God we don’t have any plans this weekend.
Where mere weeks ago, you were excited about your jam-packed diary of social events, now a lack of plans serves as a soothing balm for your overtaxed mind and body.
This weekend is about lying down. Lying down and breathing.
I couldn’t have taken one more day of eating and drinking, to be honest.
You’ll probably say this while sipping a glass of wine and finishing off a takeaway, but that doesn’t matter. Your mentality has changed.
I don’t even want to eat those chocolates.
You don’t. You really don’t. You’ve had enough. But you’ll eat them anyway.
How many days is it until payday?
ALL HAIL GETTING PAID WEEKLY!
That’s the last tube of Pringles gone.
It’s over. It’s really over.
Can you imagine going out tonight? Can you even imagine!
The idea of going out and socialising suddenly seems inherently foreign to you. Like something you might have done in another lifetime.
‘How can people do it?’ you’ll marvel.
I’m actually looking forward to going to the gym on Monday.
This is the truest sign of how desperate things have become. You’ve punished your body so much that it now yearns for physical exercise. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO YOURSELF!
Seriously, we’re detoxing after this weekend.
There’s not a chance that you’ll buy loads of healthy food and then have to throw it away because you decided that it didn’t actually appeal to you in the end.
Is there any cheese left?
Well, you can’t let it go to waste, can you? You said the detox started next week.