OH IKEA, WHATEVER did we do before we had you here in Ireland, within our grasp?
Akin to land of promise, inside you can find the tools you need to clean up your act, finally organise your home, and become the person you always wished to be.
But they’re not going to spoon feed it to you. No, shopping in IKEA takes work, and there are many challenges to confront before you can have your wonderful, new, organised life.
Making a list of what you need
You’ve set aside a day. You’ve made sure you have the car. You even go online to source the article numbers of the items you need, so you can get straight to it. Get you!
Telling yourself you’ll only go to the self-serve furniture area
You know what you need. It’s in the self-serve furniture area. And you will go there, and there alone.
Getting sidetracked in the showrooms
But of course thanks to the evil genius who designed the IKEA shop floor, it’s just not that easy. You have to go through the showrooms first, which open your eyes to the wide range of beautiful, well-designed homewares available. This – this is what your home could BE. Look at all that storage! And the cutesy floral bedlinen! Your own apartment is dingy in comparison.
Pillaging the Market Place
Full of expectation after the showrooms, you breeze through the Market Place, snatching up everything in sight. You’re now staring at a Skudd, which looks like it might be a shoe horn but could also be a wooden spoon. Sure throw it in the basket, it’s €2!
The place is huge, and mostly one way. The shortcuts are well-concealed. Chances are you’ve doubled back to find even more hidden bargains. You need to find a map right now, or else you’re stuck here forever.
Finally getting to the self-serve furniture area
OK, you did come here for that one thing. It’s in aisle 33, location 50…and it’s only available in black. YOU WANTED BIRCH VENEER.
Unloading the trolley and realising how much you’ve picked up
What have we got here…bedsheets, throw pillows, baskets, hat boxes, a Skudd, a chest of drawers and a sweeping brush. Anything from your pre-made list? No.
Eating an 85c hotdog, weeping
SO MUCH STUFF. SO MUCH USELESS STUFF. You came for a simple bookshelf, you’re leaving with enough stuff to furnish your own apartment as well as the apartment next door. Who knew cheap Swedish furniture was your weakness?
Fitting it all in the car
Just about. Special shout out to those wanton folk who dare to go to IKEA on the bus. You are braver souls than we are.
Assembling your purchases
All that easy-to-assemble, flat pack guff sounds great until you’re wrestling with a coffee table that has four uneven legs. You followed the pictures in the booklet! What else can you do?!
Discovering what you bought doesn’t suit
Now you have to go all the way back OUT THERE to return it. There’s no way. Not after last time.