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Dublin: 11 °C Wednesday 3 September, 2014

Last night’s Raw: Miffed mammies, Ronseal, and a hunk with notions

The new season has begun. Here’s everything we learned.

OK, nobody call this number.
OK, nobody call this number.
Image: RTÉ

LAST NIGHT SAW RTÉ’s former flagship drama (man, they must despise Love/Hate so much) return to our living rooms for a fifth season.

Season 4 ended with the untimely death of Pavel and Jojo heading off for a bit of travelling. Well, she’s back… WITH A SURPRISE IN TOW.

*cue theme music and gratuitous footage of people in Dublin*

1. The establishing shots where EVERYONE USES EVERYONE ELSE’S NAME

Because it’s the first show of the season, OK? Also, it’s totally natural.

2. The plot! Jojo drops the wedding bomb

WHOA. The opening credits haven’t even rolled yet and we’re already into high drama.

We already know her new husband is creepy, because he’s way too smooth and attractive not to be:

Also, her parents are very, very miffed about this. How’s this for dramatic tension? Huh? Huh?

3. A side plot! WEDDING CAKE DRAMA

Can Philip make the cake for Jojo’s wedding celebration? Will it end in triumph or humiliation? Do we care?

4. “So you haven’t really published anything. It’s all ONLINE. On the computer.”

Ouch, Mrs Jojo. This cuts us to the core.

5. Kate going internet dating with Julian Assange

Or a young Gordon Ramsey? Either way, this is obviously going to end in disaster, because the prominence they’re giving to this photo means the guy is actually going to look like a serial killer.

And so it proves.

6. Mad Max #1: CAKE DRAMA CONTINUES

Max is SO ANGRY that Philip is making a cake. It’s getting “hot” in the kitchen. See what we did there? Want to give us a job? In a minute, someone’s going to have to do something dramatic with a knife.

There we go.

7. Philip’s cousin is incredibly annoying

He pops up in the restaurant, and then somehow manages to appear in practically every scene for the next 40 minutes. But we’re not going to mention him again because frankly, he was (a) highly annoying and (b) a transparent device to introduce tension between Philip and Emma.

Here he is, being annoying:

8. Now we’re SURE Anthony is bad news

He’s quoting Shakespeare. You know what this means? Notions. *crosses arms and looks into the air smugly*

9. People in this restaurant love to pine for each other

Here’s Philip pining for Emma:

And here’s Zoe pining for Shane. It’s a pinefest in there. There’s more pine than a Ronseal demonstration.

10. Slow motion: too cheesy? Not at all.

See how Jojo shows emotion on her face? A happiness at her new love, slowly replaced by a look of worry and fear?

That’s acting, that is.

11. Max is a secret stud

So much so that he get’s out this girl’s number:

…and then WIPES HIS FACE WITH IT AND THROWS IT IN THE BIN. Whoa.

Also, just look at his tat:

“Rebel”.

12. What’s this? MORE drama?

Oh wait, no, it’s a device to enable Jojo to stay at the restaurant for a fifth series, as Fiona invites her back on board as brunch chef.

Will she or won’t she? Only time will tell… Sigh…

13. “But what about San Sebastian?”

Anthony isn’t too happy about Jojo’s new plan to rejoin the restaurant, natch. But he grudgingly agrees after uttering the memorable line “But what about San Sebastian?”

Folks, this could be “We’ll always have Paris” for the millenial generation. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

14. Anthony shows his true colours

By shoving Philip up against a wall. Poor little Philip.

Cue some excellent use of crash zooming from the camera team. IT ADDS DRAMA, OK?

And there we leave it for another week. Will Jojo return to the restaurant? Will Philip score with Emma? Will Anthony kill again? All these questions will be answered. It’s a RECIPE for high drama. There’ll be SIMMERING tensions. Maybe someone will BOIL OVER.

*gets coat, leaves*

Last night’s Voice of Ireland: Golden pants, funny faces and licking Bressie>

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