IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Household tax receipts required to attend Donegal homecoming
Monday, 24 September
Donegal fans will have to produce household charge receipts to attend their team’s homecoming celebrations this evening.
Officials from Donegal County Council will be inspecting the receipts before allowing access to the Diamond in Donegal town centre.
“Phil Hogan made us do it,” a spokesman for the council said. “He couldn’t care less if Jimmy’s winning matches, he just wants Jimmy paying taxes.”
“This is not on and that there,” local Sinn Féin TD Pearse Doherty said.
Proposed merger of Trinity and UCD no guarantee of literacy
Tuesday, 25 September
A proposed merger of Trinity College Dublin and University College Dublin would not lead to improved standards of literacy or numeracy among students.
“This would be no guarantee of literacy or numeracy,” an expert said. “It’s not a miracle cure.”
The merger is recommended in a report commissioned by the Hiyer Edukasion Awethority.
Council cannot stop Phil Hogan moving to neighbourhood
Wednesday, 26 September
Kilkenny County Council has told residents it is powerless to prevent Environment Minister Phil Hogan from moving to their neighbourhood.
“We sympathise with your concerns but there is nothing we can do,” a council spokesman said.
“There’s something creepy about him,” said a resident who didn’t wish to be named.
“It’s the covetous way he looks at our septic tanks. He seems to undress them with his eyes.”
More primary care centres for Swords after Shortall resigns
Thursday, 27 September
The Government has announced that a further five primary care centres will be built following the resignation of Junior Minister for Health Róisín Shortall.
For reasons that are not entirely clear, all five will be in Health Minister James Reilly’s constituency.
“We’re determined to show that it’s business as usual in the Department of Health,” a spokesman said.
“It’s what Róisín would have wanted.”
Mars rover finds three primary care centres in one constituency
Friday, 28 September
NASA scientists believe they have found evidence of political life on Mars after their rover, Curiosity, found three primary care centres in one constituency.
“It’s highly unusual and can only point to political life on Mars,” NASA’s Chief Scientist said.
“There is no evidence of a medical need for all three of them,” he added.
“It looks like stroke politics,” said Ireland’s Tourism Minister Leo Varadkar.