SINCE IT EMERGED that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson in a momentary indiscretion/”marathon makeout session” (depending on who you ask) with her current director Rupert Sanders, the media has been scrambling to follow up the story.
With all the main participants staying (more or less) silent, it’s been tough out there. But the world’s finest showbiz journalists were on the case. Seeking angles, following fresh leads, and generally bringing you the best in rolling 24-hour coverage of Robstengate.
This is what we’ve learned so far:
1. Robert Pattinson now wants to hang out with Rupert Sanders’ wife
The Mirror reports that what heartbroken R-Patz really, really wants is some quality time with Liberty Ross, the wife of Rupert Sanders. Pattinson “hopes Liberty can help him find the answers he so desperately craves,” an unnamed source tells the paper.
2. Kristen Stewart faces a boycott by angry, angry women
Is Kristen Stewart the most hated woman in Hollywood after last week? Yes, argues The Sun. And what’s more, there are literally armies of women out to get her. “Female moviegoers have been looking for a reason not to like her and now they have it, ” a studio source told the paper. “Lots of Rob’s huge army of female fans will boycott her films.”
3. The pair are waging a custody battle over their dog
K-Stew is reported to have dibs on the cat, while Robert wants their dog Bear. “But K-Stew won’t give up Bear without a fight,” Radar Online reports. “She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy.”
The final word goes to an insider: “Rob was so hurt by Kristen’s actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man’s best friend.”
For context, this is the dog in question:
4. Kristen cheated because she was afraid Robert was about to pop the question
Yep. That’s what experts have told Hollywood Life. “This is a likely possibility. She was terrified of a marriage and she ran like a deer in headlights without thought of consequences,” says Dr Gilda Carle.
5. The word ‘Trampire’ is now a thing
That’s according to Kristen’s former director Giovanni Agnelli, who has ridden boldly to her defence. “If you’ve ever used the word Trampire you’re a mindless pathetic piece of shit,” he tweeted. Oh, and apparently Kristen and Rupert didn’t have “any kind of sex”.
6. Kristen Stewart has betrayed the trust of the world
And the final word goes again to Hollywood Life, or rather its editor Bonnie Fuller (of overly-serious analysis video fame). She’s written an op-ed for the Huffington Post expressing her bitter, bitter disappointment at K-Stew’s unfortunate smooch.
Kristen, it was such a normal-seeming, happy life that you had on your own and with Rob, or so it seemed. Like Bella and Edward, you two appeared to focus on real values, not surfacey Hollywood BS [...] For millions of young women, it was awesome to have a woman they could totally relate to [...] You were not the woman of principle and substance they had believed in.
So there you go.