WE LEARNED YESTERDAY that Ireland is the best country in the world to do business in, according to Forbes magazine.
We’ll leave that up to them to decide. But there is no doubt that this fair country occupies the global No1 spot in a number of important disciplines.
Here are the things we can be proud of:
1. Tea
Other countries may drink more, but we genuinely make the best. (Everyone knows English tea is puny and insipid.)
2. Slang
Unbeatable. Just try it.
3. The one-finger driving salute
Performed with a single finger, raised momentarily from the steering wheel and then lowered again.
Compulsory down the country when passing any other driver, pedestrian or (if you’re feeling friendly) farm animal. All Irish are born experts at it.
4. Enjoyable moaning
No, not THAT kind of moaning. Just the constant, low-level complaining that all Irish people revel in, and come to expect in others. (Also, we are naturally suspicious of anyone who doesn’t engage in it.)
Of course it doesn’t mean we’re not happy. Far from it. It’s when people stop complaining that you worry.
5. Improvised road signs
Etc.
6. Weather
It’s not so much that we have the best weather, as that we have the most weather.
Four seasons in one day? That’s nothing. We’re somewhere around the 12 or 13 mark on a good run.
7. Awkward photo ops
If you need a young lady to hold a random object on St Stephen’s Green while her photo is taken, there is literally no better place. Ireland’s women lead the world in the field of random object holding, and every day brings a new variety.
8. Spelling
We have to be, to spell our beautifully consonant-laden names. (The above photo is what happens when a Padraig foolishly goes to Starbucks outside Ireland.)
9. Funerals
It’s not just being good at them. On some strange level we enjoy them. Is there anywhere else in the world where certain funerals could be considered… quite good craic?
And did you go up to the house for sandwiches?
10. Banter
Other countries have jokes. We have BANTER. It’s less of a witticism, more of a state of mind.
Even the guards here are past masters of banter. Especially the guards.
11. Comfort food
You can keep your fancy cuisine. Proper good comfort food – which we Irish lead the world in – should be hot, stodgy, and beige.
Shepherd’s pie, roast chicken, coddle: no better country in which to eat beige food.
12. Snugs
Other countries may have nice ‘bars’. But nowhere else has snugs. The world’s greatest place to while away a cold winter evening in the company of friends.
What else is Ireland the best in the world at? All suggestions in the comments please…
