GIRLS, EH? THERE they are being all lovely and smelling nice.
All we want to do is smooch them. But how – HOW? – can we find out how to go about it?
Luckily the internet has some great tips. We’ve rounded up the best of them to compile this essential Guide To Kissing A Girl. Here’s how to go about it:
1. Put ‘something in the air’
As you can see, the time to smooch is when you’ve had great conversations. And the best way to tell whether a conversation has been great is to ask yourself, ‘Is there something in the air?’
If the answer is yes, and if that something is either ‘romance’, ‘Linden Village Strong Cider’, or ‘the music of Phil Collins’, the time is now.
2. Then, take her to a special place
Where to get your smooch on? Well, first you have to set the mood.
Nothing says ‘romantic’ like the back end of a school heating unit, or the peeling rear of a temporary classroom. In the summer or in autumn, obviously – spring and winter are right out.
Any other options?
Coincidentally, all of these are also great for murders. Particularly the pier! Maybe even make a joke about this on your way! Or not! It’s up to you!
3. No toilet talk
You may think that this is a great time to describe your last Number Two in detail. HOLD BACK!
That sort of talk is for after you kiss. Amirite ladies?
4. Creep in the shadows
It’s probably possible to come off as charming in broad daylight, UNLESS YOU HAVE A FACE LIKE A THOUSAND YEAR OLD PIG SCROTUM, LIKE YOURS.
Until your eyes adjust, simply blunder into any nearby obstacles.
“Rely on streetlights and porch lights” = do not shine your police-issue torch in her face as this may appear intimidating.
5. Use your dirty keks
Chicks dig dirty underwear, dude. This guy’s mentor said so.
6. What’s the next step?
7. Any big no-nos at this stage?
Toenail biting is right out, dude. Sorry.
8. At this point she should be making kind of a pirate expression
As this diagram shows:
If she says “Aaarrrrrrrgh”, that’s a great sign too.
9. Dive in!
We’ve translated that visually for you:
10. OK, we’re smooching like two horny guppies. What to do?
IMPORTANT: Allow her to continue breathing.
There you go. You are now a professional kisser!