IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Bank debt deal could yield Christmas bonuses
Monday, 2 July
Ireland’s bank debt could be substantially reduced just in time for Christmas. The Government has targeted the end of October for reaching agreement with the EU on reducing the €63 billion debt.
“This will give the Department of Finance time to process windfall bonuses for Christmas,” a financial analyst explained.
“Everyone loves Christmas,” a Department of Finance spokesman said.
Ulster Bank could become Ireland’s first efficient bank
Tuesday, 3 July
Scientists believe that Ulster Bank could become Ireland’s first efficient bank as it continues to wrestle with a “glitch” in its systems.
“It is just possible that efforts to remedy the glitch could lead to efficiency,” a scientist said excitedly.
“Nonsense,” another scientist argued. “It’s also possible Ireland will have a good summer.”
Bankers were too busy laughing at their customers to comment.
Government to borrow money it doesn’t need, may buy God particle
Wednesday, 4 July
The Government will attempt to borrow €500 million from the markets tomorrow, although it does not need the money.
Experts believe that borrowing unnecessary money will prove the bailout has been a success and the Celtic Tiger has been fully rehabilitated.
“Who knows? We might use the money to buy the God particle off those fellas in Cern,” a spokesman said.
“We could put it in the Taoiseach’s constituency and build it an interpretive centre.”
Elderly targeted in Higgs boson scam
Thursday, 5 July
Gardaí have issued a warning about elderly people preying on the elderly in countrywide crimes.
“They attract their victims to churches and try to sell them the God particle,” a Garda explained.
“But they don’t have the God particle to sell,” he added. “They’re not even scientists.”
Gardaí to clamp down on Garda car crime
Friday, 6 July
Gardai say they are determined to tackle a sharp rise in car theft by gardai.
“Investigating crimes we’ve committed is a delicate matter but we will leave no stone unturned,” a Garda spokesman said. “A shortage of squad cars is no excuse for criminal behaviour.”
He added: “The issue is complicated because we are sometimes forced to steal more cars to catch ourselves.”
Apparently, the rise in Garda crime is not limited to cars. “They’re forever taking notebooks, pens and pencils too,” a shop worker said.