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Dublin: 10 °C Thursday 17 April, 2014

Here is the week’s news… skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Gerry’s teddy all the talk in toy town; today’s marginalised looking forward to a State apology in 2063; cé hé Micheál Martin?

We topped the poll? Seriously? I wasn't expecting that.
We topped the poll? Seriously? I wasn't expecting that.
Image: Eamonn Farrell/Photocall Ireland

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

New political party now most popular in Ireland

Monday, 18 February

A new political party is taking Ireland by storm and is now the most popular party in the country.

Little is known about the background of the party or its charismatic young leader Micheál Martin.

“Martin is a mysterious figure. Nothing is known about him except that he was a Cabinet Minister between 1997 and 2011 in governments that ruined the country,” our political analyst said.

“He’s exactly what the country needs – a fresh start with a fresh face,” he added.

Martin’s party is called Fianna Fáil which is believed to be Irish for ‘same shit different day’.

Gerry Adams’ teddy bear was senior figure in Provisional IRA

Tuesday, 19 February

A soft toy belonging to Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams was a senior figure in the Provisional IRA.

“It’s all the talk in toy town,” a soft toy source said.

It is thought that Adams was completely unaware that Ted, a teddy bear, was Officer Commanding of the Belfast Brigade of the IRA during the darkest days of the troubles.

Mr Adams himself has consistently denied having been a member of the IRA.

“This explains a lot. It was Ted all along. Gerry wasn’t lying. He was blinded by love, just another lovesick fool who trusted his teddy,” the source said.

“Gerry was duped. He loved that teddy. He still does.”

Today’s marginalised now hopeful of State apology by 2063

Wednesday, 20 February

The State apology to survivors of the Magdalene laundries has offered hope to many of the people currently marginalised in Irish society.

“It means a lot to us,” an asylum seeker kept in direct provision said. “We now think we might get a State apology too… by about 2063.”

“It will make the institutionalisation worthwhile.”

“Some of us might even be alive to hear the apology,” a child in State care said.

Elderly people abused in nursing homes skipped lightly with the aid of their zimmer frames.

“Our grandchildren could get to hear an apology,” one said as she fell over when a carer took her zimmer frame. “Oh happy day.”

Shock as judge in Pistorius case never charged with murder

Thursday, 21 February

It would appear that the judge handling the Oscar Pistorius bail hearing has never faced murder charges.

Early this morning it emerged that the lead detective in the case Hilton Botha faces seven attempted murder charges from 2011. It now seems that he has been taken off the case.

“As things stand we’ve no reason to think that the judge faces murder charges but life is full of surprises,” an observer said.

The case has not gone to trial yet. When it does it could feature vampires and zombies.

“Anything’s possible mate,” the observer observed. “I hope it rains giant frogs. I like giant frogs.”

Poll recommends housing pregnant women together

Friday, 22 February

A poll has found that pregnant women would be happier housed together in dormitories and given menial work to do.

The survey, conducted for an anti-abortion group, said such measures would reduce the likelihood of contemplating suicide and/or having an abortion.

“Exhausting work would make the women happier as their minds would be less likely to wander (think),” a spokesman for the group said.

“They could do laundry work for example. It’s a wonder no one thought of it before.”

Read previous week’s editions of The Mire’s Not the News >

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