IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Hogan takes Lucinda Creighton hostage, scales Liberty Hall
Monday, 23 April
Beleaguered Environment Minister Phil Hogan this morning scaled Liberty Hall clutching Lucinda Creighton in his big hairy paw. Defence forces aircraft tried to rescue the pair from each other but Mr Hogan swiped them to the ground.
“I am not an animal,” Mr Hogan yelled, having become confused about what movie he was in.
“He’s no animal we know,” a zoologist confirmed.
Jobs dept JobBridge intern disciplined for creating jobs
Tuesday, 24 April
A JobBridge intern in the Department of Jobs, Enterprise and Innovation who created 2,000 jobs last week has been disciplined.
The intern had been left on his own in an office in the department for two months. “He claims he started flagrantly replying to emails out of boredom,” an investigator said.
Two of the emails were from companies seeking to expand their operations in Dublin and Cork. “He gave them the go ahead without a thought for the consequences,” the investigator added.
Staff in the department described the intern as a loner who kept to himself. “He was not a team player,” a colleague said.
Anthropologists study Garda cult of sat-nav worship
Wednesday, 25 April
Social anthropologists are studying a primitive religious cult that worships two satellite navigation systems installed in garda squad cars in Cork. A community group donated the sat-navs to help gardai respond to rural crimes.
However, gardai, who are rarely exposed to technology in the workplace, refuse to believe that they are actually in charge of the sat-navs.
“She speaks to me,” a garda said. “Can you hear her too?”
Raunchy Rupert’s titillating tales
Thursday, 26 April
Pouting media prince Rupert Murdoch revealed all to the Leveson Inquiry today. Raunchy Rupert told titillating tales of how he enjoyed hours of “open access” to Prime Minister David Cameron.
“Afterwards we’d talk over a glass of wine,” the shapely vixen said. “It was very civilised,” he added. “I didn’t just treat him as a sex object.”
US Secret Service apologises to Moneygall prostitutes
Friday, 27 April
The United States Secret Service has apologised for snubbing prostitutes in Moneygall during President Barack Obama’s visit.
“It was a serious breach of our professional duty,” a spokesman said. “The agents involved have been disciplined,” he added.
“I spent six months with Fás studying to be a prostitute for nothing,” a local woman said bitterly.