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Dublin: 6 °C Saturday 20 December, 2014

Here is the week’s news… skewed

Breaking via The Mire wire: Wine replaces the euro as common currency; Budget enshrines right to die in poverty and exclusive details of the Love/Hate Christmas special.

Here's to our new common currency. Beret optional.
Here's to our new common currency. Beret optional.
Image: Ysbrand Cosijn via Shutterstock

IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Plan to dig up the dead for taxes could be too expensive

Monday, 3 December

A controversial Budget 2013 plan to dig up the dead for their unpaid property taxes could cost more than it takes in.

The plan was put forward by Labour as the party feels it may have marginally less to fear from the dead than the living come the next general election.

However, Revenue officials have warned that indoor civil servants would have to be trained up to become outdoor civil servants in order to disinter the dead.

“Outdoor civil servants are notoriously expensive,” a Revenue official explained. “They need boots, gloves, hats, all sorts of stuff.”

“They can also hide behind bushes when their outside which limits productivity – and some of them become so good at standing still that our supervisors mistake them for statues.”

Noonan welcomes royal pregnancy despite surge in sick leave

Tuesday, 4 December

Finance Minister Michael Noonan has welcomed news of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy.

“We should talk about nothing else until after the Budget,” Mr Noonan said. “Isn’t morning sickness a terrible thing?”

Meanwhile, the royal pregnancy has caused a surge in sick leave in Ireland. Huge numbers of people have been turning up at hospitals claiming to suffer from severe morning sickness.

“We’re completely over-run with phantom pregnancies,” a HSE source said.

“I’ve had five people phone in with morning sickness already today,” an employer said. “Three men and two women.”

Budget enshrines right to die in poverty

Wednesday, 5 December

Finance Minister Michael Noonan promised today that his 2013 Budget enshrines the right to die in poverty.

“For too long dying in poverty has been the preserve of an elite poor,” Mr Noonan said. “But we can honestly say with hand on heart that we have made poverty accessible to the masses. It’s the least we could do.”

“They’ve achieved this by disposing of disposable income,” an economist said. “It’s a wonder no one thought of it before.”

Grave threat to euro as wine becomes currency

Thursday, 6 December

In the greatest threat to the single currency since the financial crisis began wine has become the main currency in large parts of Ireland.

Facing a €1 Budget hike in the price of a bottle many people spent all their money on wine last night.

In the cold light of day, however, some have realised they still need milk, cornflakes, petrol and oil.

“They’re now purchasing their essentials with wine,” our consumer correspondent said.

“But it may not be acceptable as a promissory note payment.”

Love/Hate Christmas Special revealed

Friday, 7 December

RTÉ sources have released details of an explosive Love/Hate Christmas Special.

The Mire can reveal that Tommy makes a remarkable recovery and brings toddler son Leighton to see Santa at the brothel.

Sadly, Nidge kills Tommy after Tommy gets the toy in their Christmas Cracker.

Leighton cries. Darren almost cries, looks anguished to camera, gets drunk.

Nidge apologises. Fran rides dead Tommy.

Across town, the IRA does the Walls of Limerick.

“It has something for everyone,” an RTÉ source said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>

PLAY: The Unofficial Love/Hate* Drinking Game>

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