IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Protests that swept across Muslim world reach Ballyconnell
Monday, 15 October
Protests that have swept across the Muslim world reached Ballyconnell in Cavan yesterday as thousands of Irish Catholic Nationalist Separatist Feudalist Muslims took to the streets.
Carrying placards that proclaimed “Seán Quinn akbar” and “You humpy ould hoor” the protestors marched through the streets chanting ancient Cavan hymns.
“These hymns are celebrations of the Prophet Seán Quinn,” a marcher explained.
“They have been chanted since the very first day that he descended from heaven and walked among us selling cement and insurance.”
Witnesses said the Prophet Seán Quinn was so moved by the loyalty of his supporters that a statue of him began to cry.
A miracle was proclaimed, although it later transpired that the statue was, in fact, the Prophet Seán Quinn himself.
Roscommon man jumps from space in attempt to find work
Monday, 15 October
Irish employers and recruiters have praised a young Roscommon man who jumped from the edge of space yesterday carrying a sign that read “available for work”.
“This is the sort of thing you have to do in today’s job market,” a recruitment consultant said. “The time for posting two-page curriculum vitaes has passed.”
“Get out to the edge of space and jump but make sure the sign you carry lists your qualifications and areas you would like to work in. And, of course, it should be legible from a distance.”
Felix Baumgartner, from Ballinameen, Co Roscommon, decided to jump off space after 18 months of failing to find work in traditional ways. He travelled to space in a modified wheelbarrow inherited from his father.
He is now hopeful of finding work in marketing.
“It’s a great day for the Baumgartners,” Felix’s mother, Mrs Baumgartner, said. “He had been very low when he didn’t get the job in the creamery.”
“I fell in love with him as soon as I saw the mad look in his eye as he got his wheelbarrow ready for space,” his girlfriend Attracta Mahon said.
“Mind you, he only has eyes for her [the wheelbarrow] these days.”
Government creates jobs in quangos by not cutting jobs in quangos
Tuesday, 16 October
The Government this morning announced it had created 300 jobs by not abolishing 31 quangos due to go in 2012.
“A short-sighted crowd-pleasing government would have cut the quangos to placate demands for a cull,” a senior government source said. “But we are bigger than that.”
“People say the State doesn’t create jobs but by not cutting these quangos that is exactly what we have done.”
The source pointed out that these were highly paid jobs with excellent benefits. “These are exactly the sort of jobs we should be creating,” he said.
Hogan crushes dreams of kids who wanted to be councillors
Wednesday, 17 October
Environment Minister Phil Hogan yesterday crushed the hopes of hundreds of Irish children who had hoped to grow up to be councillors.
Children from all parts of the country cried as Mr Hogan revealed that 80 town councils were to be abolished with a 40 per cent reduction in councillors.
“There’s no need for children to cry,” Mr Hogan said. “They could grow up to be footballers or astronauts.”
“But I want to be a councillor like my dad,” a child told The Mire. “It’s no fun just being a publican, estate agent and undertaker.”
Payment of household charge ‘no excuse’ for not paying again
Wednesday, 17 October
The Local Government Management Agency has criticised people for trying to get out of paying their household charge simply because they have already paid it.
“It’s a sign of the times. People are selfish,” a spokesman for the agency said.
He insisted, however, that the agency would be relentless in pursuing payment from people whether they’ve paid or not.
“With the country in crisis it’s a terrible shame to see these people trying to weasel out of paying the charge again,” he said.
“Payment is no excuse for non-payment. We are determined that they will not get away with it.”
Property porn returns as Fianna Fáil bounce back
Thursday, 18 October
Houses in ghost estates across Ireland went on the market at inflated prices today after a poll showed Fianna Fáil had bounced back to become the second biggest party in the State.
Estate agents openly admitted their profession for the first time in several years. “Those aren’t floods, they’re water features,” they told first time buyers cheerfully.
All property supplements carried ads showing couples who look like Rachel Allen living idyllic lives in badly-built houses.
Councillors, who had feared losing their jobs, said they were open for business if anyone needed “help” with planning permission.
“We never get to play for long enough,” a Fine Gael source said. “Give us a bit more time we can be just like Fianna Fáil.”
Meanwhile various Labour TDs phoned Trevor Sargent looking for work as gardeners.
Fun things Enda does in Brussels while other leaders meet
Friday, 19 October
Taoiseach Enda Kenny has spoken to The Mire about fun things to do in Brussels while other EU leaders are deciding your fate.
“Brussels is a very exciting place to visit,” the Taoiseach said. “It’s a lot like Castlebar. There are lots of famous people here. Only this morning I saw Angela Merkel at a distance. I waved but I don’t think she saw me.
“They have a really funny statue of a little boy peeing – of course you wouldn’t get that in Castlebar. It made me giggle. And they have lovely chocolate too. Sometimes it’s nice to eat chocolate when you’re feeling left out, alone, ignored and unimportant.”