IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mirehas an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
Opening ceremony condemned for failing to honour Seán Quinn
Monday, 30 July
A rally in Cavan has condemned the Olympics opening ceremony for failing to reflect the heroic achievements and subsequent victimisation of Seán Quinn.
“I watched the whole damn thing and there wasn’t one reference to Seán Quinn,” a senior GAA figure told the protest in Ballyconnell.
“Why couldn’t they have praised Quinn Insurance instead of going on about the NHS?”
Shockingly, the thousands of protesters also heard that the opening ceremony didn’t praise Ryanair either.
Opening ceremony producer Danny Boyle sighed.
Miracle claimed as Jesus seen on Seán Quinn’s face
Tuesday, 31 July
Many of the people who attended the rally in support of Seán Quinn in Cavan on Sunday now claim to have experienced a miracle.
“I saw Jesus when I looked at Seán Quinn’s face,” a woman said.
“It’s true. If you look at his chin you can see Jesus,” a man confirmed. “It’s definitely Jesus and not just some hippy looking for attention.”
The claims have added to speculation that the Vatican is considering declaring Quinn a living saint.
“I’ll never forget what Seán did for the people of the border counties,” the Pope shouted out his window at passersby this morning.
Protestants aghast as badminton matches ‘thrown’
Wednesday, 1 August
Protestants everywhere were aghast this morning after eight players were accused of attempting to throw badminton matches at the London Olympics.
“I can’t imagine that happening when it was a Protestant game, can you?” a wistful Bill O’Herlihy of RTÉ said.
“It’s unthinkable, worse than leaving the crust on cucumber sandwiches,” an expert on Protestants said.
This is the sort of thing the courts should be tackling,” a supporter of Seán Quinn said. “Not that we watch badminton. No way. Never.”
Polish slur judge didn’t mean to offend Irish
Thursday, 2 August
A judge who said social welfare was a Polish charity did not intend to discriminate against the Irish.
Judge Mary Devins made the comment in court in Castlebar.
“The judge did not mean to discriminate against the many Irish on social welfare when discriminating against Polish people on social welfare,” a source said.
“It’s important not to leave anyone out when you’re discriminating,” an expert said.
“It’s disgraceful,” an unemployed Irishman said. “There are hundreds of thousands of us Irish on welfare but our best efforts are overlooked by our own.”
Bruton claims Shell truck rescue will create 13,000 jobs
Friday, 3 August
Jobs Minister Richard Bruton has claimed that efforts to rescue a Shell truck stuck at Glenamoy crossroads in Co Mayo could create up to 13,000 jobs.
“As well as rescuing the truck, there will have to be several investigations into why it happened. We will need a new, bigger, better road,” Mr Bruton said excitedly.
“While that is being built we can turn the truck and the giant tunnel boring machine it was carrying into a tourist attraction. We’d need an interpretive centre, cafes and souvenir shops… that’s at least 13,000 jobs.”
“Governments do not create jobs,” Mr Bruton said. “But with roads like the L1203 and R312 we do create the conditions in which companies like Shell can create jobs.”