IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…
HSE applies for its own IMF bailout
Monday, 9 July
The HSE has refused to comment on reports that it has applied for its own IMF bailout. However, sources within the crazed health organisation say the application is at an advanced stage.
“Ireland’s bailout doesn’t devote enough attention or resources to our cash flow problems,” a source said.
“Also, we noticed that Ireland’s bailout has no negative impact on the people responsible for it which is a good fit with our modus operandi.”
Reilly stakes claim to Finance Minister post
Tuesday, 10 July
Speculation is rife that Health Minister Dr James Reilly will be promoted to Finance Minister.
Dr Reilly will address the Dáil tomorrow after it emerged his name would be appearing in Stubbs Gazette over a €1.9 million unpaid debt.
“He’s been hiding his light under a bushel,” a political commentator said. “Obviously a debt defaulter would make an excellent Finance Minister.”
If Dr Reilly accepts the position, current Finance Minister Michael Noonan will be allowed to continue to believe he has the job. “We’ll let him blather on as usual,” a source said. “What harm?”
It is unlikely that the Government will bother to appoint a new Health Minister.
Reilly makes matters worse with unparliamentary language
Wednesday, 11 July
Government and opposition politicians alike were dumbfounded after Health Minister Dr James Reilly addressed the Dáil.
Dr Reilly said he had acted with “full propriety” at all times despite being named as a debt defaulter in Stubbs Gazette.
“He came late to politics. I’m sure he didn’t mean to say that,” one of Dr Reilly’s supporters said.
“I don’t know what propriety means,” a Fianna Fáil backbencher said. “But I know unparliamentary language when I hear it.”
Cordon to protect new RTÉ boss from affectionate staff
Thursday, 12 July
A major security operation could be put in place in Montrose in September when RTÉ’s new head of news and current affairs takes up his job.
Security experts say a 200m cordon will keep Kevin Bakhurst safe from the affections of staff trying to curry favour with him.
“I’ll find a way through. I just want to hug him and tell him how welcome he is,” a journalist said.
“No one wants Pat Kenny’s knickers thrown at them on their first day of a new job,” a media commentator observed.
HSE has enough uranium for five nuclear devices
Friday, 13 July
Gardaí fear that the HSE could launch terrorist strikes with devastating consequences after the Troika insisted on further cuts to their budget.
“We believe they have enough uranium for five nuclear devices,” a Garda spokesman explained.
“There is no other plausible explanation for the amount of money they’ve spent with nothing to show for it.”
“They’re capable of anything,” the spokesman warned.”Look what they do to children in care.”