IRISH PEOPLE ARE amazing cooks, it’s just a fact. When it comes to nutrition, we’re on top of our game.
Be sure to comply with these essential Irish nutritional tips to keep things running like clockwork. Never again will your mam comment negatively on your weight loss and attempt to stuff you up.
1. Adhere to the proper Irish food ratio when preparing a plate
Quantity is key, and it’s not a meal unless there’s meat involved. Meat provides much-needed nutrients that the men of the house need for strenuous activities such as watching television and looking into sheds.
2. Meat must be cooked until almost charred
Don’t risk food poisoning or someone commenting that it might be ‘still alive’. Give your digestive system a workout by charring that beast until it’s a pleasant grey colour.
Also apply to vegetables. Boil to mush to unleash their true potential.
3. Adding milk to everything good way introduce more calcium
Calcium is needed for maximum vitamin D absorption, a pint with everything will ensure you don’t get those little white things on your fingernails, or so we’ve been told. What are they all about?
Be sure it’s full fat as well, sure that other stuff is just milk flavoured water.
4. Beige food is in itself, an important food group
Beige food provides a nutrient vital to life, known as ‘comfort’. Use liberally. Good sources include bread, pasta, rice, and battered stuff.
5. Mashing releases all true nutritional potential
Potato? Mash em. Turnips? Mash. Beans, peas, carrots, MUSH IT. Basically, if it can be crushed with a masher, mash it. It breaks down the cells holding in the vitamins, or something. That’s a science fact.
6. Remove all roughage from everything
Peel potatoes, apples, cut off all crusts when making sandwiches, scrape any veggies off pizza.
Roughage is just bulk that takes up room in those blocked intestines.
7. Tea is the elixir of life
Tea is not just a beverage, there’s ‘atin and drinking in it. Starving? Tea. Freezing? Tea. Tired? Tea. Be warned though, it may be ineffective if not consumed alongside some form of Jacobs biscuit. It’s like the whole Vitamin D-Calcium thing again. Trust us.
8. For a quick sugar rush, add to bread
Sugar sandwiches are more effective than those dirty energy drinks. You’ll be bouncing off the walls AND it’s a sandwich so it’s basically an acceptable lunch.
9. Expiration dates are just an estimation
You can complain all you want, you’re having that two-day expired milk on your cereal because your complaints just make you notiony and over-sensitive to smells. The shops just put it on there to sell you more, there were no expiration dates in your parents’ day and aren’t they all the better for it! AREN’T THEY?
We still must insist that you root through the shelves for the latest date you can find, it makes economical sense, really.
10. Freezing bread holds the goodness for longer
It also prevents embarrassing moments if unexpected visitors come over and there’s nothing to put the egg mayo in.
11. Tinned fruit serves as a great substitute for your five a day
Lob a bit of powdered custard and whipped cream on top of it and you’ve got a trifle. The healthy dessert. If they go uneaten you can always harvest them for your kid’s school food drive.
