IT’S CHRISTMAS! Happy festive greetings and God bless us every one.
But let’s face it – you have an entire day to get through first. And chocolate may be your only friend.
So ease the pain by playing the DailyEdge.ie Christmas Day Chocolate Game.
Note: It may be best to keep it a secret to avoid undue competition for limited chocolate supplies. Going to the garage for more will only eat into your chocolate-scoffing time.
Start here. Eat when:
1. You are woken up unreasonably early for some reason
Eat a chocolate. If you do not have immediate access to a chocolate, you may have to frantically tear open some presents. Do not stop until you have discovered some chocolate.
If you are hungover, eat two chocolates.
2. The first obviously disappointing present
Rate the recipients attempt to conceal their disappointment on a scale of one to five, where one is ‘total deception’ and five is ‘no attempt whatsoever’. Eat the corresponding number of chocolates.
3. You receive a disappointing present
Eat chocolate until you feel better. If this coincides with #2, drastic action may be needed. Consider opening a new selection box.
4. A present is far smaller and/or cheaper than the wrapping suggested
That is a pack of mini soaps (Flickr/phil_g)
Eat a chocolate, but only one. At your age you should be accustomed to wrapping paper’s deceitful, lying ways.
5. An older person says something inappropriate
Eat. Bonus chocolate if it relates to someone they do not know, or who is meeting the family for the first time.
6. A family member burps or breaks wind audibly while everyone is sitting watching TV
Count every second of the ensuing awkward silence, and eat that number of chocolates.
Double it if the silence is broken by a child pointing out what has happened.
7. This is the reaction to somebody suggesting we “all go for a nice walk”
Sigh conspicuously and eat a chocolate.
8. A present breaks
Running out of batteries is also acceptable if there are tears. Eat.
9. Someone gets a fortune-telling fish in a Christmas cracker
See what the fish does. Eat a chocolate for every time it curls up in exactly the same way before everyone loses interest.
10. Whoever is cooking the Christmas dinner looks like they’re on the verge of tears
Eat a chocolate. Also, immediately provide the cook with chocolate, alcohol, or chocolate-flavoured alcohol.
11. Somebody says “This is what it’s all about, isn’t it?”
Eat a chocolate. If it’s part of a transparent and failed attempt to distract people from a spiralling family argument, eat another chocolate.
You may have to ‘accidentally’ drop your party hat to reach your chocolate stash during dinner.
12. There is nothing good on the telly
Continue eating chocolate until the situation is resolved.
13. You are filled with a strange sensation that may be either (a) a gnawing sense of despair, boredom and existential angst, or (b) indigestion
Do you feel like this guy? (Flickr/joshme17)
Either way, eat a chocolate.
14. Somebody pretends they were not asleep
“WHAT? No. I was watching. Indiana Jones just did the thing with the… thing.”
When they drop off again, eat one of their chocolates.
15. Everyone is asleep
Eat the last chocolate.
Look at what you’ve done. Feel faintly ashamed and/or sick:
Now go to bed. You’ve got to do it all again tomorrow.