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Dublin: 4 °C Friday 25 April, 2014

7 premature celebrity autobiographies

Write a memoir at the ripe old age of 16? Sure why not.

THE GRAND TRADITION of writing a celebrity autobiography goes something like this:

Have an interesting career in the public eye, break up with your celeb lover dramatically, meet interesting characters along the way,  possibly do jail time, find yourself struggling with at least one addiction, learn ‘big lessons’ from your troubles, and then live long enough to write about it.

But today’s celebrities aren’t bothered with all that malarkey.

Justin Bieber

(Pic: Charles Sykes/AP/Press Association Images)

Inexplicably popular teen ‘sensation’ Justin Bieber released his autobiography at 16, which is arguably the age that most of us find that life is just beginning.

Bieb’s memoir is 239 pages long – with 166 of them containing illustrations, rather than words, perhaps indicating that he wasn’t long after finishing with picture books himself. According to the Mirror, Justin reveals that it’s important for him to never stop being a kid – even when he’s not actually a kid; that the way a girl smells is ‘very important to a guy’; and that life has “been one heck of a ride so far”.

On the Road, it certainly ain’t.

Kerry Katona

(Pic: Suzan/Suzan/EMPICS Entertainment_

Maybe we’re a little old-fashioned here at DailyEdge.ie, but we always thought the aim was to write just the one autobiography. Not so, it appears, for the likes of Kerry Katona, who is after penning the follow-up to her first memoir, the aptly-named Too Much Too Young.

So much has occurred in her life since 2006 – more than the average person’s house moves, job changes and occasional child – that she’s after writing her second autobiography, which covers the intervening six years. Why she didn’t save all of these things up and write a bumper memoir, we’re not sure.

Miley Cyrus

(Pic: Tammie Arroyo/AFF/EMPICS Entertainment)

Miley penned Miles to Go (geddit?) at just 17, and her memoir was proof that teens should always be careful about writing down their thoughts and then handing them over to the general public.

Miley promised in her book that she wouldn’t smoke because “I’d never do that to my voice, not to mention the rest of my body”… but took up the habit a mere year later. Ah, the folly of youth.

Jordan

(Pic: Rowan Miles/EMPICS Entertainment)

Another person guilty of mutiple-memoirism is Jordan, the former Page 3-model who has released four autobiographies so far (we’d wager there’s more to come). Like Kerry, there was so much happening in her life that it needed four books to cover it all: Being Jordan, A Whole New World, Pushed to the Limit and You Only Live Once.

We’d argue that anyone who has been married to Peter Andre and Alex Reid, been a glamour model, released workout DVDs, been on I’m A Celebrity, released a series of children’s books, written an OK! magazine column and taken part in the UK’s Eurovision Song Contest finals (she came second) would have some tales to tell, but four books? Pushed to the limit, indeed.

Britney Spears

(Pic: Amazon)

Britney and mum Lynne released Heart to Heart in 2000, before Brit’s public meltdown, head-shaving incident, and 55-hour ill-fated Las Vegas marriage. Oh, and before that bizarre TV series she made with subsequent husband Kevin Federline, two children, hospitalisation and comeback.

So perhaps this book, where Lynne and Britney “talk openly about the challenges facing all mothers and daughters” came just a little too soon.

Charlotte Church

(Pic: Amazon)

Charlotte’s book seems very likeable – judging by these reviews – but you have to feel a bit sorry for the soprano, who published it in 2008. At the time, she wrote about her life, relationship and impending motherhood, only to find herself separated and her career not quite at the heights it was just a few years later. That all said, she could surely follow Jordan and Kerry’s lead and save those stories up for memoir number two, especially given her recent impressive appearances talking about media treatment of celebrities.

Colleen Rooney

(Pic: Suzan/Suzan/EMPICS Entertainment)

Semi-celeb Coleen is only famous because of her footballer-cum-tabloid-favourite husband, but at 21 she still managed to find time to write an autobiography in between matches and Liverpool boutique visits. The book promises “fascinating insights into what life is really like in the unrelenting celebrity spotlight”, with fashion and style tips on the side.

One reviewer informs us, “for once she doesn’t start off when she was little and works her way up to the present”, which marks her out as quite avant-garde in the celebrity autobiography world.

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